


Jim is an Awful Writer

by CharlieQuinn



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Kink Meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 14:23:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharlieQuinn/pseuds/CharlieQuinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kink meme fill: Jim Moriarty writes RPF with himself and Sherlock having copious amounts of sex before wearing their new human skin shoes together. He kidnaps people and reads to them his collection of stories. They all wind up offing themselves. It's not the disturbing elements that do them in... he's just that bad a writer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jim is an Awful Writer

Lestrade wasn't sure how much more of this he could actually take. If he wasn't tied to the chair, he was quite convinced he would have ripped his own ears off by now.

This was beyond torture. This was out and out cruelty. It was sadism in it's purest form.

"Are you even listening?" Moriarty was glaring at him.

"I wish I wasn't," Lestrade replied miserably.

"Shall we get on with it, then?" Moriarty smoothed his suit jacket and flicked the paper in his hand. He cleared his throat before beginning to read.

"Chapter two! This is where is starts getting really good, so you should probably pay attention, Mr Policeman. 'Sherly picked me up in his strong, manly arms and said, 'Dearest Jim, you are my soul mate, you are the Bella to my Edward, although you should be Edward because you are the bad boy with the heart of gold. But I still love you anyway, because no one else could be my intellectual equal and you are so handsome in Westwood'.

"I blushed because Sherly was so good looking and he read Twilight too. I knew he would also understand the deeper meanings in Twilight, because he was the only other person who could. 'But Sherly!' I gasped. 'I thought you were in love with Watson!' Not that I really cared about the pet, but Sherly seems to like having it around and I've seen Me or the Dog, and I didn't want to upset Sherly by having it put down or anything.

"No, dearest heart, it's you, it's always been you. We're like Jack and Rose in the movie Titanic, which is the best movie ever and I want to draw you wearing nothing but the crown jewels, because I remembered that you stole them that one time.'

"Oh, Sherly!' I cried and flung my arms around him and he lifted me up because he is very tall, and I don't mind that much because it's manly and strong on him, not that I'm not totally manly even though I'm shorter, because I am."

"Please..." Lestrade gasped. "Stop, please. I'll tell you anything."

Moriarty glared at him. "ANYWAY, Sherly kissed me really hard with lots of passion and tongue and it was totally hot. And then he rubbed his hands all over my bum. And then because we were so hot for each we had heaps of really awesome sex right there in Sherly's lounge room, and the pet had to watch and he was so jealous. And then Sherly got down on one knee and took out an engagement ring and said, 'Baby, I love you so much, I could never stand to be away from you. Will you marry me?'

"Oh, darling, of course I will!' I replied, and then we had heaps more hot sex. It was so hot that even the pet had to have a wank even though he was crying because he was so jealous that Sherly didn't love him. And then we decided to bomb the Tower of London because it was in the way.' The wedding is in the next chapter! What did you think?"

Moriarty was bouncing on his heels. And smiling.

"Please, just kill me," Lestrade begged.

"Don't you want to hear about the wedding?"

Lestrade was dumbfounded that a genius was capable of writing such absolute schlock, and think it was good. "If I tell you it was great, will you let me go?" he asked hopefully.

Moriarty thought for a few moments. "Tell me your favourite bit, and then you can go."

Well. Now that was asking a bit much. "Um... the bit about engagement ring?" he tried.

"I know!" Moriarty said excitedly. "Wasn't it romantic? Although personally I think the bits with all the sex are the best."

Lestrade looked up tiredly. "Can I go now?"

"Sure, sure, whatever," Moriarty said, waving a hand. "I'll kidnap you again next week and you can hear the next part."

Lestrade froze as henchmen began untying him. Hopefully, there were still bullets in his gun. He had to shoot himself before next week. It was the only way.


End file.
